Some of us balk at the idea of taking responsibility for our joy. We might even respond with incredulity. Don’t you think I would choose joy if I could?
It sounds almost like we are to blame for our own unhappiness. And that’s were this all goes awry. Blame and responsibility are not the same.
Blame is centered on punishment and guilt. The goal of responsibility, on the other hand, is learning and creating solutions. Reflecting with a blame frame is going to inevitably lead to additional negative feelings, putting even more space between you and joy. Reflecting through responsibility gives you the opportunity to analyze your barriers, behaviors, and beliefs. If your inner voice is saying, “hey, this is what’s getting in your way,” it is much easier to try a new approach and move forward. If, in contrast, your inner voice is saying, “it’s all your fault because you’re not good enough,” or “it’s all their fault and I can’t do anything about it,” you’ve created a bigger gap between yourself and joy, and you’ve given up control.
Blame reinforces all those nasty beliefs that keep us stuck. I don’t deserve this. I can’t do this. See, this won’t work. I knew this would fail. I shouldn’t get my hopes up. I can't be happy because (insert external factor here). And so on.
If we are sure there is something innately problematic about ourselves, or if we believe all of our problems are the result of external factors we can’t control, then we’ve stranded ourselves in lives we don’t want. We’ve hidden from ourselves the tools, pathways, and opportunities for change we so desperately need.
Responsibility is empowerment. It is the framework for creating change. As soon as we reframe with responsibility, we recognize our own control. I often ask people, “how do you want to feel?” Their response is frequently a list of how they don’t want to feel and the reasons why they feel that way. So I ask again and again.
That’s your starting place as well. How do you want to feel? My next question, as you well know by now, is what are you choosing. Remember to check in on yourself throughout the day. Check how you are choosing to feel. Then use responsibility, not blame, to reach for the next best feeling.
Love this so much