But you are probably going about it the wrong way.
We’ve all seen, and some of us have even posted, the following types of declarations:
I’m done allowing people in my life to walk all over me.
But often it’s written in much more colorful language. Part of me is happy at the sight of this because, at first glance, it appears to be an empowered person creating boundaries.
So often that is not the case though, and the subtext reveals it.
First, you can very well “not put up with crap” in a super composed, compassionate, professional, or even empathetic way. At no point does someone need to lose their cool to do so. In fact, losing your cool reveals some flawed thinking that will undermine anyone’s attempt to set boundaries.
Here’s why. The very fact that one feels the need to defend oneself for wanting to set boundaries shows that one might not believe they have the right to those very boundaries in the first place. It’s as if they can’t declare what they will and will not tolerate until after a line has been crossed and they are on defense. Confused? It sounds an awful lot like this:
Funny how people push and push and push…then get mad when you push back.
Or
Don’t complain about my attitude when you created the situation that brought it out.
Or
I might stay silent for a while, but when I explode, just know it’s because I’ve had enough.
The idea that someone has to lose their temper and “stop being nice” reinforces a few other deeply (and secretly?) held beliefs as well. It reinforces harmful beliefs that setting boundaries is or should be a negative thing.
A few things here. If you feel the need to inflict harm to be heard or taken seriously, you are part of the problem. Going on the attack at that point makes you an aggressor, perpetuating the negativity and harm you are so angry about in the first place.
Setting your expectations clearly is your best first step, but some of us are so afraid to do so. We might even believe, as mentioned above, that we are being rude, crabby, or cold when we set our boundaries.
That is so backwards. You deserve to be treated the way you choose all the time, not just when you’ve passed some threshold. Set your boundaries from the start. Let go of the idea that it’s bitchy to do so. If you make your expectations clear and someone doesn’t meet them, you have much firmer ground to stand on when you have to reinforce them.
It does take practice though, like anything else. And listen, you might panic the first few times you try. You might feel it’s easier (and safer) to shrink to fit the situation. That is, until the situation is no longer tolerable. What I’m saying is this: Do not wait until your head is exploding and you have verbal diarrhea to insist on being heard. You don’t want to be that person.
Whether you invest in your boundaries or wait until you can’t take it anymore, you are generally going to get exactly what you allow. Make sure it’s what you want.
